Upending your world

It's been over 3 months tomorrow that Grey left us.

I am still struggling, if I'm being honest. Some days are ok, some days I feel like I'm doing good. I think of him every minute of every day, but some days it's ok. Then the next it's like my heart is just shattering all over again.

I had a pretty good week last week. I had a doctor's appointment Monday and my morning went really smoothly. I woke up late but still had time to shower and get ready. I made it to the appointment with plenty of time. I hit all green lights and no traffic. I met with my doctor and her fantastic nurse. Both of them are so kind. They remember me and remember my story. They understand and almost have no expectations.. like I don't need to pretend to be ok. They even shed tears WITH me and don't rush me to stop when my tears flow. I don't need to have the awful conversation of "do you have kids?".. yes, I have one, but he passed away in September. Then it's "oh, was it a miscarriage?" No, he was almost 3. "Ohh it was an accident?" No, it was a rare genetic disorder. It was traumatic. It was terrible. It was the second hardest thing I've ever had to live through.. but now I'm a bereaved Mom and this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It's so hard to keep going when your child is no longer with you. I'm absolutely terrified of "leaving him behind". I need a snuggle and his favorite books. My therapist did make a good point that if Grey could talk to me how would he feel about me going back to work and to school - and I think he would want me to. I think if I gave up and didn't get back to things.. it's like I'm living in a shell of my body, like he was forced to with his diagnosis. He wasn't able to use his body to do things he wanted to do and I think he would be upset with me if I wasted my opportunity. It doesn't mean I can just stop how I feel or how I'm thinking but it did help me to change how I was thinking about it.

It's been awhile since I posted and we have been pretty busy lately. I'm seeing a therapist, my 2 regular doctors often, I saw a grief counselor, I've been getting things together for Christmas and things together for school and work in January. I'm returning to work after the New Year and starting nursing school in mid-January. I took a CPR class last week as a requirement for my nursing program and felt so weird to pack a backpack and head to a campus again. It was only one day for 5 hours but it was so hard to focus and pay attention again. I've noticed since Grey died that my brain has a really hard time focusing on things and getting tasks done. I will start a project and then get distracted and begin another before realizing half way I left the other one half way too. Then I get overwhelmed. It feels like my brain is in overdrive and I just can't seem settle it down. I seem to get overwhelmed really easily. I'm still struggling with sleep. I've been taking medication to help me sleep and it works but I can't sleep without it. I toss and turn and even though I'm tired, my brain just won't stop. It's not always sadness that keeps me up, but just the daily activities or things we have to do tomorrow or I just can't sleep. I lose track of the days frequently. Thank goodness our phones have calendars on them now otherwise I'd be lost.

I've been keeping busy though, despite being off work. I have been crafting more which feels good. I get overwhelmed doing some projects and I have to remind myself to slow down. It's ok if they don't get done in one sitting. It's ok if I take a break and come back to it. I made my sister-in-law this welcome mat

and then today I made this one for our house--

They're a lot of time - my cutter isn't large enough to fit everything, so for the Welcome Gnmoe, I had to make each word and each gnome a different stencil. Then for ours it was Have Yourself, A Merry, Little, Chr-is-t-m-as and then the trees! Time consuming but once everything is designed out and split the next hard part is lining it all up. Hence why Your-self is wonky :) but it's ok, it's character right :)

Up next are ornaments for family and friends. Adam has his last 2 days of clinical this week before his winter break. He's currently in labor and delivery and is loving it (more than I think he though he would) but he's doing so well in his classes. I'm excited to have my own personal in-house tutor as I start the nursing program!

This past weekend I went to the botanical garden Christmas light show with my sister-in-law and some friends of hers that were in town to visit. We took Greyson there last year and it is one of my favorite things to do. I think it's going to become a Rudness Family tradition. Here are photos from last year.

This was Greyson's first time meeting Santa. He was so so kind and patient with him. When we got up there the gentleman taking the photos asked if we wanted to take Grey out of his stroller. We let him know he couldn't sit on Santa's lap and told him his story. Santa asked us all to take a photo and then asked if he could with JUST Greyson. He leaned in close and was talking to him on Greyson's level. He spoke softly so not to startle Grey and then gifted us the photos for free.

Santa was back this year and Courtney and I decided we want a photo with him again this year so we are going back this weekend with my sister, my niece, and Adam. It won't be the same, but I want to let him know how much this memory means to me and how much his kindness stayed with me. He might not even remember us or Greyson, but we remember him and his kindness.

It's hard to look back at some of the videos and photos of him. My tears usually well up and overflow pretty quickly. I won't let that stop me from looking at them, but man, do I miss him. Our house is quiet. Our lives are quiet. Busy- but with other mundane things. What I wouldn't give to be snuggled up with him in his blanket reading him Christmas books and watching Christmas movies. I wish I could take him outside and play in the snow we got last night. He loved his sled and he was only able to use it ONCE. It's not fair and I'm still pretty angry. My therapist and I were talking about the stages of grief and I just don't know if the anger will ever fully go away. It might getting smaller or less powerful but when I think about the hand my son was dealt.. the hand Adam and I.. the hand our families were all dealt.. I'm pretty angry. No child deserves this. How is there not a cure yet? Why wasn't expanded genetic tested offered or even mentioned at my prenatal appointments? Even when we were searching for an answer- the line of questioning stopped when they asked if we had any Jewish heritage. No, we don't. But Tay-Sachs isn't JUST in Jewish heritage. It may be more prevalent but it doesn't just stop there. How has it gone silent this long in our families.. where did it come from? Are my siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces carriers? It just makes me so nervous that one of our loved ones are carriers and will have to go through what we are going through.

I remember when Greyson was that tiny, like the picture above. I was exhausted. He ate every 3 hours and I pumped every 3 hours. It was a nonstop circle and I barely slept. He was SUCH a noisy sleeper when he first came home and I was terrified of every noise thinking something was wrong. Adam and I slept in the living for the first month of Greyson's life. I was SO scared of falling asleep so hard that I wouldn't hear him so I slept on the couch or in the recliner with Greyson's bassinet right next to me. After we moved into the guest room so Adam could sleep in our room when he had to go back to work. Grey would sleep in his bassinet and I would try and sleep in the guest bed but more times than not, I would scoop Grey up and sleep with him on my chest in the glider we had. You're not supposed to sleep with your babies, I know, but I think we both slept better that way. I would lean back, tuck the boppy pillow under him and around me, tuck our blanket in around my sides and over the both of us. He wasn't going anywhere. I loved when he would sleep on me. His little head snuggled into my chin. He came home from the NICU shortly before Thanksgiving. We already had the Christmas tree up because when he came early I wanted it done before he came home. We would sit in the recliner together in the middle of the night during feeds and after with just the glow of the tree. It was one of my favorite times of day. The house is quiet and dark, the tree lighting up the living room softly and my sweet boy feeling safe on me. What I wouldn't give for another night like that.

It's been a while since I've posted - I will try and get better about that. It's been a lot of the same lately and it's hard to find time to just sit and write. I do need to start doing it more. Sharing helps me. It helps me process and helps me get out what I need to get out. I don't always post everything but writing helps me cope. I'll have to post pictures from the weekend after the gardens with my family. For now- back to crafting :)

xoxo,

Kim