Happy 6th birthday my pumpkin pie

I cannot believe that 6 years ago today, I gave birth to the most amazing little boy. 6 years ago, I held Greyson for the very first time. 6 years ago I was petrified because I had no idea what I was doing but also so excited to become a Mommy.

How blissfully unaware was I.

Every year on Greyson's birthday I spend sometime reminiscing about my pregnancy, labor, and our NICU story, This year is a little different.. it's a little harder. I'm currently in clinical AT the hospital I gave birth at, on the day I gave birth, just one floor down. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

Adam and I knew we wanted a family pretty quickly after we got married. I was off my birth control the day of our wedding and I began tracking my ovulation cycles. 2x a day, every day, for months. I would test in the bathrooms at work, in public places if I had to, but I was constantly seeing negative tests and it was draining. We were living in Milwaukee at the time and I knew I had PCOS at this point, but I was at a loss of what to do. I ended up taking a job in Green Bay (to transfer with my same company but be closer to home and our families) and found a PCOS specialist. I met with her and after 8 months of trying to get pregnant, one round of medication with her- I saw those two pink lines on April 15, 2019. I was SHOCKED. I called her and she put in orders to get my labs drawn and sure enough, I get a phone call "YOU'RE PREGNANT!!"

That was the day I started dreaming of what kind of life we were going to have. I remember coming home after getting my labs drawn, thinking of what kind of nursey we would have for him. I decided I wanted to surprise Adam instead of just telling him. Easter was that Sunday (I found out on Monday) so I decided to make him an Easter basket filled with baby items to let him know we were going to be parents. I had a blast looking at baby items and trying to figure out some gender neutral things to buy. I went on etsy and bought a onesie that had "Baby Rudness due December 2019". His due date was Christmas Eve. My favorite holiday!

I made a little scavenger hunt for him to find the basket. After he found it, we both broke down crying and hugging and started dreaming together. We looked at birth charts to guess if we would have a boy or girl, baby names, and items we knew we wanted. Overall, I had a relatively easy pregnancy. No real morning sickness to speak of, only some food aversions (the smell of cooking meat made me want to barf and even the thought of avocados made my skin crawl.) The only scary thing we faced was I had 3 "big" bleeds due to subchorionic hemorrhages. My first bleed was Mother's Day weekend. We were in Marquette, telling our families we were pregnant. We were starving so decided to go get some dinner out together and came to a stop sign and a huge gush of blood came out. I thought I miscarried in the car that day. We went straight to the ER and they did an ultrasound and our peanut was still there. I was absolutely shocked. I was covered in blood. My seat was drenched. It was terrifying. My second bleed happened at work. I was at my desk and went to stand up and same gush happened all over again. I called Adam and met him at the hospital. Peanut was still hanging on again. The third time was at work again, this time in the bathroom. I went and got checked out again, and sure enough, he was a-okay.

November 6th, 2019 I worked all day, 8:30-6:30. I was feeling pretty good, minus some feet swelling until I got home. My back started to really ache and that was a new symptom. I told Adam I needed to go lay down and I watched Superstore on my ipad and tried to relax. I remember googling "Braxton hicks contractions" and figured that's what was happening. Adam came to bed around 11:30pm and I was moaning in pain enough to bother him enough he made me head to the hospital around 12am. The ER triaged me quickly and they hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and my young nurse looked at me and goes "ope, Mama, you're in labor!" I was already 2cm dilated and the doctor came in to talk about our options. She made it very clear that I would not be leaving this hospital pregnant. I would either be giving birth or being placed on bedrest until I gave birth.

They gave me medication to try and slow my labor but our nurse was very honest with us and said "if you want your family here for the birth, I'd call them now." Both of our parents lived 3 hours away and of course it was a snow storm up there that day. My labor was hard and fast - despite my doctor trying to stop/slow it. Greyson was determined to not share his birthday with Christmas! I was in so much pain from the labor that I requested my epidural and the wait to get anesthesia up there was unbearable. I remember the minute the medication hit me, the instant relief that I even took a little cat nap and watched some HGTV with Adam. Before I knew it, the doctor was in to check and my water broke on him and he said "it's go time!" 3 pushes later, Greyson Kent Rudness was born.

Grey only spent 12 days in the NICU despite being 4lbs7oz. He was a rockstar! He knew that he wanted to be home with his Mom and Dad and worked hard to make that happen. The first few weeks are a complete blur. We slept in the living room with his bassinet right next to us so we wouldn't sleep too deeply and miss anything. I was feeding him every 3 hours and that level of exhaustion is insane. Just a fog! I do remember holding him more than I probably "should" have but I don't regret any of that.

Today, our sweet boy would be turning 6. Instead of celebrating with him and his friends.. it's work for Dad and clinical + an exam for Mom. It doesn't seem like real life. I'm trying to stay positive today and celebrate the way he would have wanted us to, but I'm still really sad. I really miss Greyson and I feel left out of the typical motherhood experience. Tomorrow Adam is going to his deer camp, but my sisters, niece, and sister-in-law are all going out to dinner and having cake for Grey. I think I might take a walk through the botanical gardens if the weather is ok, maybe read in the hot tub, and watch home videos of my sweet baby boy. Sometimes videos are therapeutic, but sometimes the hole in my chest is too painful.

I decided to bring in cupcakes for my clinical classmates and I bought some preemie jammies to donate to the NICU. My clinical rotation this semester is at the same hospital Greyson was born at. He spent 12 days in the NICU and we had absolutely amazing nurses there. I wanted to DO something in honor of Grey. I remember when Greyson was born early.. we weren't prepared. We didn't have any jammies to take him home in that were small enough for him! Green Bay had very limited options for preemies so I figured I could order some online and donate them to the unit or if they had a family in need they could give them to.

I held the tears in until I left the unit. The minute I left the NICU, I lost it. I remember the feeling of being discharged and having to leave him at the hospital. Going home without your baby is excruciating. I found a bench to sit on and let the tears flow and I realized this was the same bench I sat on when they told me he was going to be discharged after his car seat test. I was SO excited I ran down to my car and grabbed the car seat and ran back up. He was so tiny in his car seat (photo above).

We finished on the floor and went down for post conference and I brought dinosaur cupcakes to share. I'm home now, cuddled up in my comfy clothes, in Greyson's room, with Millie in my lap. It's almost perfect. I just wish my sweet boy was snoring in his big boy bed.

I'm honestly just exhausted. I cried more today than I have in a long time. School, work, grief, therapy, IVF, life.. it's just been heavy and a lot. It's hard finding a balance lately. I'm trying, but I'm exhausted.

I signed up for my last semester of nursing school this week and it feels like a fever dream. It cannot be real. I DO NOT feel prepared enough to be a nurse.. but I'm sure you never do until you get on your floor and learn your focus based on your specialty.

Saturday- my two older sisters, my youngest niece and my sister-in-law all went out to Mackinaw's and celebrated Grey. Mackinaw's was the very first restaurant we EVER took Greyson to so it seems to be our birthday place for him. After dinner we sang him Happy Birthday with his cake. I can't believe my boy would have been 6. I find myself wondering what would he have been into? I wonder what his personality would have been like. What would he have liked to do? Would he like school? Who would his friends be? Would he like hunting with his Dad or stay home with Mom? So many unanswereable "what if's" and I can't begin to explain how much I wish I could answer them.

Sunday I ended up sleeping the majority of the day. I have been feeling really overwhelmed lately and there is just too much to do so I don't do any of it. School has been pulling my attention and clinical hours are just long. It's just a really long day. I had therapy earlier in the week and I noticed that I seem to feel heavier around important dates. I know it's grief creeping in but this week was the worst it's been in a long time. I was so exhausted that Sunday really was just a rest day. Millie and I napped in my office and went down to the couch to watch a movie, and I ended up sleeping on and off during the whole movie too. So far this week, I am feeling better. I still feel like I have too much to do and get done, but I'm also taking it minute by minute. Doing one thing at a time and leaving the what else needs to be done until after I'm done with the first thing. Right now school is taking precedent. I have some videos to watch for my online class and then I'll get to laundry. I am planning on setting up Christmas this weekend too so I want to get the house cleaned before I take everything out.

One day at a time.

So for now, I'll just end with Happy Heavenly birthday my sweet pumpkin pie. Mama loves you more than all the stars in the sky and fish in the sea.

xoxo,

Kim