I'm not the person I was

My last post was in December. It feels weird that it has been that long. Mostly because part of me feels like nothing really has happened since then, but as I sit here and think about it, a lot has happened. It might not feel as important because it's not about Greyson and it's not about advocating for my NTSAD family, or doing major things, but a lot has happened.

I began December with my first round of COVID ever. I was fine one minute, then terrible the next. It hit me like a freight-train and left me with a cold hangover. It felt like the last little bit of it just lingered and didn't want to let go. I started to feel worse again and ended up with a double ear infection that turned into a sinus infection that turned into a respiratory infection. I tried antibiotics and a steroid. I went to the walk in a few times and I thought I had it under control until one weekend at the end of February, I was coughing SO hard and for so long, I threw up. I was sleeping in our guest room because I was coughing so much I was keeping Adam up. I ended up going to the ER early one Sunday morning because I couldn't take it anymore and they were about to send me home because "they weren't sure what it was" when I asked, "can we just do a chest xray". After the xray, the doctor came back about 15 minutes later and said "yeah, you have pneumonia." I was sick a total of 4 months. It was awful. I was given another round of antibiotic, inhaler, and steroid, and finally started to feel better. It was a loooooong 4 months. During those months I still had work and school. I ended up dropping one of my classes because it was only an 8 week class and I couldn't keep up with being sick. I am currently retaking it now and doing much better this time around.

I'm currently taking 3 classes and my finals are coming up next week. I have one more exam this week, a final exam next week, two more discussion posts, two more nursing skills check off.. then one whole week off (*eyeroll*) before my summer classes start. I'm a year out from graduation and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to just feel tired if I'm being honest. It's a lot of work to study and to deal with classes, homework and work.. plus take care of adulting life.

I have been snuggling my girl in Greyson's room often. I've been trying to make time to read a book for fun. Give my brain a rest and just "unwind". Millie loves being in Greyson's room and so do I. She has been so sweet and seems to know when I really need her. For example, yesterday was March 4th and International Bereaved Mother's Day. A day I had never heard of prior to our diagnosis day. I hate that there is a day for bereaved mothers and I hate that I'm in this group of women who have a reason for the day to exist. I want my kid. I want my son to be here so we can just celebrate regular mother's day together. Yet, here I am, a child-less mother and not sure how to celebrate mother's day. I will always be a mother, yes, but it's SO hard for me to see families out with their littles. I feel jealous and angry that it's not me. I would give anything for a handcrafted mother's day gift. I want his hand print on a piece of wood or a garden stepping stone he made for me. Instead, I'll be celebrating mother's day alone. I will have Adam and Millie, but my son should be here.

This year, we missed our first NTSAD conference since diagnosis day in 2021. The conference was held in Dallas Texas but it was the same weekend as the NFL draft in Green Bay. We decided to explore the draft because it's in our backyard (literally) and probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. I had major FOMO missing the conference but the draft was a really cool experience too. Thursday was the first day and I was not really interested in dealing with the insane crowd so I dropped Adam and his friend Andy off. Adam had ankle surgery at the end of April so we was in a walking boot and his knee scooter for it. Adam and I went on Saturday together and it was busy, but not nearly as packed as Thursday. The stage was MASSIVE and so cool to witness.

The photo of Lambeau shows the crowd on Thursday- that is NOT my picture, I stole it from facebook :) Then the blonde guy is Pat McAfee. Adam is a big fan of his show and was able to snap this photo of him.

I've been doing therapy at my parents house while they have been in Florida. My therapy is virtual so it's nice to do it where I can sit and be comfortable. The middle view is when I was sitting in my parent's bedroom in their recliner snuggled up and it was such a pretty view.

As part of my self-care time, I took this semester to get my nails done often. We aren't allowed to have our nails painted when we have clinicals and this is the only semester I won't have clinical until I graduate. I found a nail salon in Green Bay that I love and these are some of my favorite ones!

Another amazing thing is Adam's co-workers organized buying Greyson's shirts to wear at work to help us share his story and spread awareness for our baby boy. Adam went there to get photos with them sporting their GKR shirts :) The profit we would have made off these shirts, we donated to NTSAD in honor of Greyson. They raised $178 to help fund NTSAD and the amazing work they do with Tay-Sachs and allied diseases. Adam sent me these photos and it made me tear up. I'm so excited to see these shirts all together and the fact that they care enough to wear them to show support for Adam, Greyson, and I... and NTSAD and the amazing families who are involved in this organization.

If any of Adam's coworkers ever read this - thank you. From the bottom of my Mama heart for rocking Greyson's shirts. You are all amazing humans and thank you for helping us share Greyson's story and for supporting Adam and I. It truly means so much to us. The shirts also look super cute on all of you! :)

When I was on spring break, I got back into crafting. I haven't done much lately because of how busy life has been and how much work I've had to put into this semester. I haven't brought out my cutter in so long but I've been making badge reels. I want to work on making toppers for them but I've been having fun making these ones. I'm trying to find a way to sell them and put the profits towards Greyson's foundation. I still haven't completed the foundation but I will not give that dream up, I just need to wait until I have more time so I can put the effort into it that it needs to be successful.

Overall, it's been a busy few months but I do need to get better at updating. I've been tossing around the idea of creating an online platform to sell the crafts on but also have the foundation there too. It's weird to think that this time next year I'll be Kim Rudness, RN. After I finish my RN program, I'll work towards getting my bachelors in nursing because it's online and then who knows. I might keep going towards my nurse practitioner, but I want to see how things are going at that point in my life. I am not sure what specialty I want to work in, but right now I'm pretty sure I want labor/delivery, peds, or NICU. I want to work with children, as difficult as it could be, I know that's where my heart lies. This summer I am taking one class and one clinical. I'm ready to be done but I don't feel like I'm ready to be a nurse yet either.

My grief has been at the forefront for me lately too. I've been feeling really lonely, even when I'm not alone. I miss Greyson so deeply and I am grieving the motherhood experience I was robbed of. This past weekend, Adam went to his deer camp with his Dad and his Uncle and I was home with Millie. I caught myself wondering - would Grey have wanted to go to camp with Daddy? Probably. If he had stayed home, we could have went to the children's museum, titletown, dave and busters, the playground.. like what would could I have done with him to keep him entertained. Instead I took Millie for a walk, took her for a car ride, and spent most of my weekend with my face in my lecture notes studying for my exams coming up. Sometimes it feels like this isn't my life. I'm watching someone else live my life and she's doing it wrong! Greyson should be here. If anything, I wish I could have taken his place. He didn't have a chance to experience life.. he never even crawled before Tay-Sachs stole his ability from him. He never went to a park, he never got to eat pizza. I'm trying to focus on things he DID get to do, but my heart and brain don't always communicate together. I am a glass-half full type person, but my heart hurts. It might be full but it feels cloudy.. and not as bright as it was before diagnosis day.

There is a show on netflix that I see reels of on facebook often called "After Life" and there is a quote that shows up in those reels that kind of resonates with how I feel lately.

"I feel sad all the time. I'm not the person I was. It's like I lost most of me and all the good stuff, all the happiness and enjoying it. I feel like I'm nothing, you know. People think that I'm sort of okay, you know like I'm getting on with it, like this is a lapse, but this is me all the time now. Everything else is the front. I'm not well, but I remember what it was like to be normal, so I do an impression of that. But this is what I really am."

I kind of feel that way too sometimes. I'm trying to be happy but even in the moments of happy, the back of my mind reminds me that I went through something awful and I miss him so much. I've been told by people that "time heals all" and I even had someone say "it's been over a year, you're better right?" No, actually.. I have an increased tolerance to my grief, sure, but no. I'm not "over it" because "it" is my son. I know most of the time, people don't mean to be disrespectful, but they're trying to be comforting.. but it's not. Time does not heal all. You just learn how to continue on.. but no, I'm not healed. I'm ok, but I'm not good. I'm not strong, I'm surviving. I'm doing the best I can and but I'll never be the same person I was before I lost Greyson or even before diagnosis day. I'm doing my best and that's all I can do.

xoxo,

Kim