A shell of who I was.. 3 years later

This time of year is always hard on me. My grief always seems to swell and remind me it's there. My birthday is at the end of August, but it's surrounded by death. Adam's beautiful mother passed away on August 22nd, 2016. His Grandma passed August 26, 2017. Greyson passed 9/6/2022. Every year I try to balance my grief with happiness and celebration but it's always a difficult task.

It's weird. I feel guilty for feeling happy sometimes.. because Greyson should be here to experience being happy. Like I know it's ridiculous because he would want us to be happy and to live our lives, but there is that dark voice telling me "but your baby died and he should be here too." My son died and there is no manual on how to survive after. My son died and I'm still very angry and this time of year that only escalates. Everyone else gets to post "first day of school" photos and watch their kiddo explore, learn, and grow. Mine was ripped from me and I now have an urn in my living room that I had to buy for him. I should have been able to buy him a backpack and a matching lunchbox. I should be taking him school shopping and hearing his excitement to make new friends and show off his new light-up shoes. Instead I'm sitting in a very empty and quiet house.

3 years ago today, our son was battling an illness and stopped breathing in my arms. He stopped breathing for probably 5 minutes then took a huge breath and came back to us. We knew the end was coming, that was the only warning we got. We were told that typically when the body is dying, there will be warnings. Feedings will become harder, slower.. the body will stop producing urine, and the breathing because erratic. Their body slows down until it just stops. Greyson didn't give us those "typical" warnings. I don't want to get into too much detail on the internet of his last day on earth because it's deeply personal and not something I want to put out there.. but I've done extensive therapy to stop reliving his last day. Every year, the days leading up to his angelversary, it all comes flooding back and it's so hard to shut my brain up. My heart literally aches and my arms feel so empty without him in them. I try not to picture the last day because it's only one day in our son's story, but my brain has other plans. His last day on earth was traumatic and I have a feeling I will always feel this anxiety on the days leading up to his actual angelversary, but the more time that passes.. the further away from him I feel.

Greyson has been gone longer than he was alive this year - and that really stings. It hit me when I was at work one day to see how many days it was since he passed away, and it was exactly 1 day longer than he was alive for. Somewhere deep in my soul, my subconscious just knew it was that day. I started to write a blog that day but deleted it because it was basically just he was alive for 1,034 days. That's all the time we had with Greyson. That's not fair. As of today, he has been gone for 1,095 days. He's been gone longer than he was with us and it's not fucking fair. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. It's not natural, it's out of order, and no one prepares you for this possibility.

The first year after losing Grey, I was pretty numb. It's a big blur and it's all about surviving the "firsts" without him. It was pure survival mode. The second year, I think I was more emotional because I was coming out of just surviving and started to really feel the loss of him. This past year, 3 years without my boy, and I would say it was more angry. I felt a lot of the "secondary" losses this year. The things you plan for when you find out you are pregnant. We never got to see him crawl or walk. We didn't get to see him eat by himself, we didn't get enough of him talking, we didn't get the first day of school, or his first friend, no graduation, no prom, no drivers license, no dates. I try to think of the things we did get - I did get to hear him say "Mom" and "Mama". but it wasn't enough times. Adam only got to hear Dada once and we weren't ready for it so we didn't get to record it. He didn't get to meet Millie and have a puppy of his own. I don't know if this secondary loss ever gets better.

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I did have a wonderful birthday this year though and I have been trying to make a conscious effort to listen to what I need. Our summer has been weird this year. It's been super hot, humid, and smokey. It's starting to cool off so I've been using the hot tub more and it brings me closer to Grey. He loved the water and this hot tub was HIS make-a-wish.. and he never even got to use it. It took so long for the project and the day we got the concrete poured was the day he passed away.

On my actual birthday I wanted to spend time with my family in town and we took my parents boat out on the river near their house. It was a gorgeous day - sunny and warm without being sweltering hot!

I also needed a trip to the Botanical Gardens here in Green Bay. They have a "washed ashore" exhibit right now and the pieces are all things that were found in the waterways near us and created these beautiful art pieces.

Then the flowers are just so beautiful. I love their fairy garden too. It makes me think of another NTSAD kiddo- Annabella. Her parents created a fairy garden for her at their home. We had to stop at the Children's part of the garden to find Greyson's leaf, along with the other NTSAD kiddos that we had leaves for.

In typical Wisconsin fashion.. the bars near our house let you drink FOR FREE on your actual birthday.. so.. I took advantage of that. I don't drink so I was feeling it after a few.

Another cool thing that Greyson's story has brought me - is Phoenix Bears. They create weighted teddy bears for parents who have lost their children. I won this bear through BornAble (another loss mom's organization!) and it's a 20lb bear that I can hold when I need Greyson's weight on me. They customized it to fit my sweet boys dinosaurs and it is absolutely wonderful. If you want more info on their group : https://www.phoenixbears.org/

Millie has also been keeping up with her guard dog duties and making sure to keep an eye out on ANY movement in the neighborhood. insert eye roll. She's very good at letting us know when someone has the audacity to walk on the sidewalk or any squirrels entering our yard without her permission.

Earlier this month, we also went to a Packers practice and were able to get close to the practice field.

I know I need to get better at posting updates too, for myself. Sharing helps me process and helps me feel connected with Greyson. I want to keep this site active because we have so many of our wonderful memories here and I know that as the time passes, I want to remember all the little details that may become forgotten.

For now, I'm proud of where I am and for being able to share Greyson's story because it's so important for anyone facing rare to know you are not alone. Anyone dealing with grief to know, you are not alone.

For my Greyson Kent, I love you more than all the stars in the sky and fish in the sea. Even though I miss you so deeply, I am so thankful you made me a Mom. I am the luckiest Mom ever because I had you! You are the love of my life and I will always share your story because it's so special. You are my brave, strong, and sweet boy and I know that you are always with me. I love you so very much. I know I'll see you again one day and when that day does come, I'm never letting you go again.

xoxo,

Kim