I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal.

I am just having some time to finally sit down and start another blog. It's been a crazy few weeks. Our spring semester just came to an end, I finished Pharmacology and my first clinical. I am really proud of how well I did this semester. I ended up with all A's again! I studied pretty hard for my pharmacology final and I ended up with a 97% on the exam. It felt SO good to see that score get posted.

Adam also finished his semester and walked in his graduation! Adam Rudness, RN. I'm so proud of him! When I asked him earlier this year if he wanted a graduation party, he simply said "no, it's not that big of a deal." I played it off like I agreed, no big deal, but in my head I was screaming "IT'S A HUGE DEAL!" He graduated with his RN degree- after returning to college in his 30's. He was a stay-at-home-Dada, in the middle of a pandemic, classes shut down, his son got sick and received a life changing diagnosis, his son got worse, we had trips to Children's, appointments, surgeries, so many phone calls, therapies, LIFE, and his son passed away.. all within this span of time of his nursing school. He never missed class, his grades never slipped.. he has a 4.0 GPA. He did the literal impossible and he graduated with high honors. It is a big deal. It's a MASSIVE deal. So I took it upon myself to throw him a surprise graduation party. Not only did he earn it, he deserved it.

So, I reached out to a local venue and booked a private room. I facebooked a bunch of his friends and they all travelled to be there for him. It was amazing. He had NO idea and we surprised him this past Saturday. It was such a wonderful thing to see his shocked face. He was surrounded by friends who love him and are so proud of him. It meant so much to me!

I didn't get enough photos from his party so I stole these ones :)

Wednesday last week (5/15/24) - I was honored to pin him at his nursing pinning ceremony, We then walked over to the Resch and watched Adam walk across stage with his diploma.

The last photo above on the right is Lynnea, Dannah, Chua, and Adam. Chua is one of our nursing instructors and she is an amazing human. She was my teacher for nursing skills and for pharmacology. She genuinely cares about each of her students.

My final grades for my classes this semester :) I don't want to toot my own horn, but I'm going to. Fricken TOOT TOOT. I'm really proud of myself. I have a 3.9 GPA right now and I am so proud of how much my hard work is paying off.

Adam headed up to UP this past weekend to attend the celebration of life for one of his old classmates. I wasn't able to go because I was scheduled to work Saturday, but I was off Friday and spent the entire day with my Millie girl. I've been battling a cold for almost 2 weeks now so I wanted to take the day to get some stuff done around the house and just lounge. I'm not sure if it's allergies, but I have had a nasty cough, runny nose, and then my left ear was plugged. I worked up the gumption to get outside because it was beautiful out and we started getting Greyson's garden put back together. I was short of breath quickly so I took lots of little breaks and decided to put our lounge chair together. I finished and Millie hopped right up and I grabbed my kindle. I read a few chapters with her snuggling me. The birds were chirping and the sun was shinning, it was so wonderful.

This week I'm scheduled off until Thursday (tomorrow) and it's been really nice to just take a break. I cleaned the house but other than that, I've been pretty lazy. Adam is heading to his deer camp with his Dad and Uncle this weekend to work on the roof, so it will be a girls weekend here again too. I work the rest of this week and Saturday, but my to-do list is surprisingly short right now. I'm finally starting to feel more like myself and less phlegmy - so I think I'll hit the gym and take the pup for a nice walk if the weather permits.

I have been doing ok for the most part. There are moments each day where I feel the ping of sadness.. and sometimes the tears overflow. Other days it's just the pull of the heartstrings but I can take it. I miss Greyson more than I could ever put into words. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him, talk to him, and wish him to be with me. Every day I think "what would he be like?" What would our lives be like if Tay-Sachs had a cure.. or if it didn't exist? I would have spent this past weekend in splash pads, at parks, playing with dirt and toys.. I would give anything for that to have been my weekend. I would give up every ounce of my freedom this past weekend to have my son back. Life would be more chaotic, stressful, and overwhelming.. but this hole in my chest wouldn't be there. The pain of realizing I will never hold my son earthside again wouldn't be there.

A month ago - 4 weeks ago.. Greyson's buddy, Cayden, passed away. I refuse to say he lost his battle- because none of these children lose their battle. They fought on their terms. You can't win when the odds are stacked against you and I hate the term "lost their battle." It sounds like they gave up and they did anything but. I used to use that phrase and now that I'm on the other side of this, I will never refer to "losing their battle" again.

Cayden was 4 years old and had Sandhoff, which is a cousin to Tay-Sachs. We met Cayden and his parents in Colorado at the NTSAD conference and instantly connected. Cayden and Greyson were the only two littles in Denver that year and we spent so much time with them. Crystal (Cayden's Mama) came to visit us last year with Cayden after Grey passed. I was able to get some snuggles with him at the conference this year too. Cayden has a piece of my heart and I'm so thankful for the time I was able to spend with him. He is an amazing little man. If you're on instagram his Mama shares a lot of his story at @cheeringforcayden

Auntie Kimmy loves you CayCay. I know Grey was there to welcome you and show you around. I hope you are both playing, running, jumping, and being boys together. Fly high sweet boy.

Below is Cayden at the Green Bay Botanical Garden, Grey and Cayden in Denver, and my GRK strong bracelet from Cayden. I wore it to work on the day of his funeral services.

Cayden snuggling his Mama at the Botanical Garden in Green Bay

This is the part that hurts the most. Losing these kiddos, watching families go through what we are going through, and knowing how awful they feel. There really isn't much anyone can really "do" to help either. Be there, help them with monthly expenses if you are able so they can take a mental health break.. but this is the part that kills me. The world keeps spinning, even though your entire world just shut down. It was flipped upside down, left on the the ide of the road and a semi drove over it. The world just keeps moving. There are days where I still feel "left behind" because moving forward hurts. It's so hard. Each passing day is just pushing me further from the last time I held my son. The last time I felt his breathing, the rise and fall of his little chest, while he laid on mine. Anyone who has lost someone knows this feeling - it's not new, and it's not unique to the individual- but it sucks. I wish society would be more understanding of grief - and the fact is, time does NOT heal all wounds. It may become less overtime, sure, but I will never heal from losing my son. Not fully. I will survive, because it is my only option, but I will forever have a Greyson size hole in my heart and it will always be there. Time won't fix that. Nothing will 'fix' it. It's not 'fixable'. It's just a part of me now. Cayden's passing (along with the other children!) takes a piece of my heart too. They become part of you.. part of your story. It's so hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Those moments I got with Cayden are more important to me than the hurt I feel now.

Someone on TikTok posted this video- can you imagine hearing "Mama!" the minute you get to Heaven? I've said it before, I'm not a religious person, but picturing that, helps me so much. I don't want to die, but I cannot wait to get there and see my boy again. I am never letting him go.

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... So about that grief ADHD. It's now 5/30 and I just realized I never finished this blog.

Things have been going ok for me until last night. I don't know what caused it, but I broke down and had a pretty big cry last night. It started with me cooking dinner for myself. Adam was outside mowing the grass and I just realized I wished that I was doing Greyson's dishes, cleaning up after his dino chicken nuggs and ranch. I made popcorn chicken salad and he should have been sitting there with me. I just started crying and realized I will never get to do that with him. I hate feeling the loss of him and the loss of the experiences I should have had with him. Seeing friends and neighbor's kids continue to grow is just another reminder of what we lost and it's just a constant reminder of everything we are missing. Life continues and keeps moving forward and it's taking me further away from Greyson. I know I can't stay behind but I desperately wish he was here with us.

We also received our family photos back from the NTSAD conference in Chicago. They always do such a beautiful job (Thank you Jamie!!)

My classes start on June 10th, and I'm hoping to have a good semester. My clinical is 4 weeks in OB and 4 weeks in community health. I'm really excited for the OB clinical - I hope I get to see some births and a c-section. The only part I'm worried about is the dreaded question of "do you have any children". It's hard to answer it in public.. let alone when a mother is giving birth. They're just making conversation but I also don't want to lie or scare them. Yes, I do have a son, but he's forever 2 years old. It's not a lie but hopefully it will help them realize he did live, not long enough, but he was alive. His life matters and I want to find a way to share his story without oversharing too. Something to work on.

We are also working on creating a fundraiser - a kickball tournament in Marquette, MI in 2025. We want to use it as a way to raise awareness and a fundraiser for NTSAD and The Greyson Kent Foundation. I will keep information coming when we have more.

xoxo,

Kim