Time to switch your hat

It's my fourth week back at work and to say I'm overwhelmed would be an understatement. Work has been ok, but it's hard. It's hard to always be "on" and to always have the customer service hat on. It's exhausting. Some days I don't feel like being happy or having conversations. I always will, because that is who I am, and I would never want anyone to feel unwelcomed by me, especially at work. I don't know how to fix that.. or how to really manage it but I can tell you, I am tired. It doesn't help that I'm not really sleeping well. I have been having a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep, but other nights I sleep and wake up feeling just as exhausted as I did the night before. Grief is just the best.

Classes are going great, but we are coming up on the end of the semester so we have a lot of things happening at once to finish everything up before the semester ends. I am trying to keep my head above water and finish the semester out strong - but again.. I'm straight up exhausted. Last week I have a big microbiology poster due and I took on most of the responsibility for my group and I just want to make sure it meets my standards. I also had an exam and a lab skill check off Monday, lab notebook due Thursday, final microbiology exam is this Thursday and fundamentals exam next week Monday. Plus, the next lecture of nursing fundamentals this week is about death, grief, and loss.. so yippie. A subject I know all too well.

I have been struggling with my grief the past few week. Thanksgiving hit me hard. I'm trying so hard to remember the things I am thankful for and the blessings I have in life, but I am missing my biggest one. I miss Greyson so deeply. I broke down on Giving Tuesday at work. I cried to the point where I had to step off the line and take a minute to collect myself. All because I was looking at the NTSAD website to donate to them- and there was Greyson's photo along with Cayden and Isaac. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I love seeing our boys together, but I'm missing mine. Mine is gone. He's not here with me anymore and I'm not ok. I've been keeping my feelings to myself a lot lately- with family, friends, and not really writing as many blogs. I've been hiding when I break down. Why? I honestly don't know. Part of me feels embarrassed. Part of me feels like people are sick of hearing about it. Part of me does not want the attention or the pity. Part of me wants to just feel better.. but I don't. I am not feeling this depressed every single day, but lately, it's been bad. I was starting to write a blog that I wasn't planning on sharing, but then I realized, I started this blog because I never want anyone to feel alone in any part of their journey, Grief is so individualized -even Adam and I grieve differently. It's hard some times because I know I'm not alone in this, but how I grieve is so different that sometimes its lonely. I had therapy this week and it was nice to get some help on how to handle those bursts of grief that come out of "no where". We talked about some triggers but sometimes it's not necessarily a trigger that causes me to tear up. Sometimes it's just the fact that I miss Greyson so incredibly much that it hurts. Sometimes it's because I'm angry that this is how my life is. Sometimes it's because I'm so jealous that other people have healthy children and they're major worries are nothing like mine. Other people can just have children naturally and not even worry about Tay-Sachs, meanwhile I have to go through IVF - not for infertility but to have a better chance at having a healthy child. It's so unfair.

This is the page from NTSAD. Cayden is the sweet boy in front, then Isaac, then Greyson.

My hiding spot while I composed myself.

I'm trying. This semester is almost done, but I need to finish this semester strong. Christmas is a weird balance - my favorite time of year but I miss my buddy. He would have loved this time of year too. He always loved the lights and I wish we could have had a chance to experience the Christmas magic with him. He was only a month old for his very first Christmas, and by the next Christmas, he was a year but Tay-Sachs had started robbing things from him.. and then it just progressed. I purchased a small tree at the end of the season last year to have a second tree in Greyson's room. I put it up there and decorated it with dinosaur ornaments I found at target this year.

My goal once class is done it to spend some more nights in Greyson's room enjoying his lights and his tree. His room brings me comfort and I haven't had enough time to be in there lately. I also bought myself a weighed stuffed animal to have on me while I'm in there. I miss having Greyson's weight on my shoulder, especially at night. I'm hoping it will help. I have a weighted blanket (well.. it's Adam's) but I HATE having my feet trapped in it, and it's too heavy to only have on my chest area. I hate the feeling of my feet being trapped so tight blankets are my nemesis.

Last night hit me hard too. Our NTSAD family gained another angel last night and it hurt my heart. A family who lives near us- about 30minutes away- lost their beautiful daughter Lilliana. She had Canavan, which is a cousin of Tay-Sachs. It breaks my heart that another family is now at the start of their grieving process- not just the anticipatory grief anymore. It hurts. It makes you feel a little helpless because they need time to process, grieve, and the only thing you can really do is be there to support them when they are ready.

It was kind of odd.. we got this candle from NTSAD after Greyson passed and I never really light it. I had it up on my desk and for some reason I felt like lighting it last night.. then I saw Lilliana passed away. It was very comforting - in an odd way.

If you would like to help out the Kicherer Family- here the the link to their gofundme: Tiffany and Kevin are Lilliana's parents and they have 5 other children too, so anything helps them so much during this difficult time.

https://gofund.me/d0768401

Earlier this week we had our candles lit downstairs for Finnegan Minchew too. December 3rd was his angelversary and lighting candles for our kids just feels like a way to brighten the dark on those hard days. Finnegan's Mom was one of the first Mom's I connected with after we got Greyson's diagnosis. She has been such a huge support for me, starting with Greyson's diagnosis and now my bereavement journey. Finnegan reminds me so much of Grey. I can see so much of Grey in Finnegan's sweet face and I know with all my heart he is with Greyson. I bet they are running, playing, jumping, telling stories, and being kids together.

Since Grey passed, we have had 3 birds in the tree outside of our house. I know it's Grey, Finnegan, and Atticus. They are my three chickadees on my tattoo my boys are always with me.

I never had the honor of meeting Finnegan, but I just have this feeling, deep in my soul that he helped me connect to his Mama. He knew I needed her.

We also have our Greyson's Brave Story bonfire campaign still going on - if you are looking for a way to help share our story (or Christmas gifts!!)

https://www.bonfire.com/store/greysons-brave-story/?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=store_page_share&utm_campaign=greysons-brave-story&utm_content=default

I ordered a crew neck and a long sleeve for myself and a hoodie and tshirt for Adam. They turned out so cute and so comfy! I'm actually wearing my sweatshirt now! The store front is just going to remain open.

Not the most positive post today, but this time of year is hard.

xoxo,

Kim