The world keeps turning

Today was a hard day. Today was a really hard day. I had to go back to work and I'm struggling with balancing work time and home time. My time with Greyson is limited and that's a fact. It's not a "if" it's a "when".. and I'm struggling with doing anything other than being with my son.

I've never had panic attacks before. My first one was the day after we got the diagnosis. I went in for an appointment with my doctor and she asked me how Greyson was doing and I just lost it. I didn't know what was happening. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't breathe, my chest was tight, and my head was spinning. I felt like my heart was going to bust out of my chest, like my rib cage was just going to split open. I got in the elevator to leave and when the doors closed I felt like the room was caving in. I got out to my car and texted my two sisters and asked them what to do. The second panic attack one came while I was at Target a few days later- buying my husband a birthday card. One from me and the other from Grey. All the ones from kids to Dad talked about growing up and learning so much from their fathers. Well, Grey isn't going to grow up. This disease is going to take him from us before he even has a chance to grow up. I lost it, right in the card aisle. I honestly have no idea if anyone was even around but I sobbed and tried to focus on the breathing like my sisters told me. Thank goodness for masks because it hid the rest of my face from anyone else who walked by. My third was at work on one of my first days back after we got his diagnosis. Nothing happened, other than I wasn't at home. My fourth was today.. also at work. I had to leave my desk and run upstairs to try and compose myself. I left the bathroom with bright red eyes and mascara running down my face. How do people do this?

How does the world keep turning when our world is crumbling down around us? Our world stopped on March 26, 2021. I keep telling Adam I find it so odd that we are dealing with this and if you are an outsider... you would have no idea what we are going through. You'd have NO idea the daily struggle we have. I have a son with a terminal disorder. But I still have to work because we still have bills. We need to keep the lights on, the water running, the heat on. We need groceries, home and auto insurance. I need to work because of health insurance for my family. I need to work because even though my world has stopped, the rest of the world keeps going. We still have to do laundry and cook dinner. My floors need to be cleaned and my shelves need to be dusted. Doesn't the world know what we are dealing with? I just need these things to take care of themselves so I can just BE. I just want to be with Greyson and Adam. I just want to take Greyson to make as memories as we can. I want to just read Greyson's favorite books to him. I want to hear him laugh and see him smile before this disease takes that away from us.

Today was a hard day. Today I had a panic attack at work. I lost it more than I care to admit to today. I cried in front of a coworkers, I cried in front of a client, I cried in the bathroom, and in my car. I could NOT keep my shit together today. I lost it. I lost my composure so many times today and I know it's ok, but I'm not ok. I'm not doing ok today. I just keep reminding myself "courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says; I'll try again tomorrow." So, i'll try again tomorrow.

xoxo,

Kim