Take the time

It's funny how time can change so much.

I remember thinking when I was pregnant, that once Greyson was here, everything would be ok. I thought I miscarried 3 times with Grey. Each "big bleed" I had was terrifying but that first one- I thought I lost him and I don't think I've ever been so scared. We were in Marquette telling our parents we were finally pregnant. We had just shared our news with my parents and were heading to dinner. Adam was driving and I was in the passengers seat. He came to a red light and I felt a gush. I wasn't sure if I peed or what happened. I looked down and there was blood all over my seat. I started crying and Adam saw and we turned around and headed to the ER. I remember walking in the ER.. a trail of blood following me.. and this young girl was working behind the counter at the local ER. She was on the phone and she blocked the receiver and said "ugh, people can be so annoying sometimes, am I right?". She then looked at the other girl working and said "I hate working on Fridays, I should be out with my friends." I wanted to punch her. Honey, do you think I want to be in the ER right now? Bleeding heavily? Adam parked the car and met me as I was checking in. I headed to the bathroom and tried to clean up as much as I could. I remember being so worried that I lost our baby and what should have been an amazing weekend would be the worst of my life. Once the young girl got off the phone and actually checked me in, we got back pretty quickly. The doctor checked me out and had the ultrasound tech on call come in. We headed down this dark hallway.. eerie hallway.. to this dark room where I had to have an ultrasound with the screen pointed away from me. She made it very clear she is not a doctor and she couldn't share with me what she found. Thankfully my husband was sneaky and was standing at my side where he could see the screen. His face sunk and he shook his head "no". I started crying and wondering what did I do that made me lose the baby? We had our first ultrasound earlier that day in Green Bay and everything was perfectly fine! What the hell happened?! Then Adam's eyes got big and he just started shaking his head up and down and crying. Our baby was still there! Despite all the blood all over me, our babe was still there.

My second and third bleeds happened at work. The first was in the bathroom. I hadn't shared with work that I was pregnant yet and I was spotting all day but I went to stand up in the bathroom and the gush came back. I called Adam and told him I was heading to the hospital if he wanted to meet me there. My incredibly sweet husband told me to go home and he would pick me up so I didn't have to drive or be alone. I went upstairs and told my manager "I need to go to the hospital, I think I'm having a miscarriage" and just lost it. She thankfully didn't ask too many questions and let me go. The third bleed happened at my desk. I went to stand up and there was that sadly familiar feeling of the gush. I headed to the hospital again and there was my peanut. Hanging on and doing just fine.

Then at 33 weeks, I worked 8:30-6:15 and I was exhausted. I came home and my back started hurting. That was out of the norm for me and I figured it was just because I had a long day at work. I went and laid in our bed - watched Superstore - and the cramps started. I figured it was just braxton hicks or an upset stomach. I ignored it from around 9pm until Adam came to bed at midnight. He got in his pjs.. heard me complaining about the pain, put his jeans back on and refused to go to sleep until I went to the ER to get checked out. I got checked in right away and brought up to a hospital room. The nurse hooked me up and was like "oh yeah, you are in labor". They tried to stop my labor but Greyson was determined to make his arrival. He came at 11:30am the next day- after a painful few hours of labor. I only had to push 3 times and he was here. He screamed as soon as he was out and it was the most amazing noise I have ever heard.

He spent 12 days in the NICU and leaving him there to go home was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was so hard to not have him home with me. When we were able to take him home, I was terrified to actually sleep in case something happened. Adam and I both slept in the living room for the first month of Grey's life.. we were so scared to fall asleep hard and not hear him if he needed us. One of the first nights we slept in our room with Greyson- we fell asleep SO hard, we did miss hearing him stirring. Thankfully my sister-in-law was there and she took care of him so we could get some sleep for the first time in a month. He was a very noisy sleeper when we took him home and it took me awhile to sleep through the noise and decipher what was a sleep noise or a "I need something" noise. He still makes little sighs in his sleep sometimes, but he sleeps so great in his own room in his bed.

When Grey was 2 months old, Adam and I bought our first house. We've been in the house for just over a year and there is still so much I want to do with it. It's crazy how fast time goes. Greyson is now 18 months- going to be 19 in 9 days. How have we been parents for 19 months? It's just insane. When Grey first came home, he woke up every 3 hours to eat. I tried to breastfeed but struggled to have him latch. I had a hard time because he was in the NICU and got bottles when I was unable to be there. He liked to eat so he'd prefer bottles since it was faster. So I pumped. Pumping SUCKS. Literally and figuratively. I was pumping every 3 hours around the clock for 30 minutes each time and I still wasn't keeping up with him. It was exhausting. I'd feed Grey, snuggle, put him down, pump, then clean my parts, and by the time I was done.. it was time to repeat. It was so much. Worth it, but I look back now and it's crazy how I did it all. And with not much sleep. I did watch a lot of Friends and Boy Meets World during those pumps to help keep me awake but man. We've come so far.

Now Grey is regressing. He's losing muscle tone and the ability to hold his head up. He is starting to lose focus behind his eyes.. he kind of looks past you, not at you. Every once and while he will find you but you can tell he's changing. He's still eating everything by mouth but we are working to schedule his g-tube surgery. We want him to have this while he's healthy and I think the sooner we can, the better. I don't want him to struggle or be in any type of pain.

One thing that makes me so proud- is how sweet of a boy he is. He is such a good snuggler. He loves to listen to birds, he loves being outside, he loves water, he loves his Dada and Mama, he loves balloons, he loves lights and colors, he thinks sunshine on face is hilarious, and he gets tired giggles. Tired giggles are THE best. The best sound in the world. Time is going so fast, but time shows us what really matters. It changes how I look at things and what is important. This kiddo is the most important thing in our lives.. and we are spending as much time with him to make sure his life is lived.

xoxo,

Kim