Seasons come and go

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. It's hard because I feel a little like a broken record. I have been really busy with work and class but I'm trying to remember my self care in the mix. I'm currently taking biochemistry and I'm really proud of myself. I am doing much better than I was expecting- I have a 99% overall right now with one exam under my belt. My next exam is Monday and I'm feeling nervous for this one. I'm hoping I can spend time this weekend focusing and studying the material, but I'm doing really well and I'm actually understanding a lot of the material this time around. I took biochemistry and NMU (the first time I went to college) and I did miserably. I HATED it. I didn't understand a single thing and I hated everything about it. This time it's different because I'm old(er), I have a big goal I'm going to accomplish, and this is the last class that's standing in my way of being in the nursing program.

Overall, I'm doing ok. I've been struggling with my grief typically at night. I just really miss coming home from work to Greyson snuggles. The weather is warming up and I catch myself thinking "he would have loved to be outside right now". He loved the wind in his face and bird noises. He loved being outside. We would take him for walks around the neighborhood and he would just bask in the sunshine and usually take a nice nap after we got moving. I miss running to the recliner to park my butt in my spot and wait for Adam to hand me Grey. We would usually snuggle while Daddy took a break from being home or he'd cook dinner so I could sit after work. The weather in Wisconsin has been crazy the past few days- we hit 80degrees the past three days! In April! I spent some time outside studying with Millie in the backyard and I even spent an hour in the hot tub reading a book (for FUN!, not for studying!) It was wonderful. I turned the heat down on the tub so it was refreshing, turned the jets on, and grabbed my book. It was really relaxing. We needed some groceries today and Millie needed more food too, so Adam and I headed out and did a little shopping this afternoon. It's almost 9pm now and I figured I better get going on studying but I wanted to post a little update before I get back into it.

On March 26 - I went to Tattoo Nouveau in Green Bay and got 3 new tattoos from the incredibly taleneted Mck. I had some ideas in mind of what I wanted and she made them come to life. I added my family's birthflowers around Greysons on my upper arm, I added a steggy above my elbow, and I added 3 chickadees on my shoulder.

The flowers are based off the birth month of each of my family members. Greyson's is on my shoulder, in the spot where he would always rest his head. It's his spot :) then I added my Dad, my mom, both of my sisters, both of my nieces, Adam's and his sister's. The steggy is perfect. It's colorful surrounded by planets, stars, and lights. The 3 chickadees are for my sign of Greyson. Ever since Greyson passed, we have had chickadees in our yard. More than ever before. I always see 3 of them together too. So in my heart, I have a feeling they are Greyson and two other little boys who passed away from Tay-Sachs too. He's showing his friends his house and his lights. I love how they turned out and how much they mean to me.

Earlier this month was Adam's birthday. We celebrated all weekend long! Adam's sister Courtney came to town Friday night and we went to Dave and Buster's with our friend Craig. Saturday morning we went and saw a medium and heard from Greyson. One of the first things she mentioned was Grey kept rubbing Daddy's face. Adam just shaved his face for the first time in over 6 years for nursing school. Grey never saw Daddy's face without his beard. Saturday night we went to a Green Bay Gambler's game (hockey) and spent some time at the casino! Adam was the only one of us to leave with a little more money than when we walked in. Pretty fitting since he was the birthday boy!

These were a few days after the medium visit. She kept reminding me to look for signs of Grey. The first photo is our bathroom upstairs. Greyson's towel still hangs there. Untouched since his last tubby. We, of course, did not know it was going to be his last, but I don't know when/if we will take the towel down. It doesn't smell like him anymore, but I still use his lotion daily to remind me of him. The second photo was the morning of Adam's birthday. He wanted to go get breakfast but we didn't have time to do a sit down, so we changed plans quickly and went to Chick-fil-a, which is not a normal go-to for us at all. Then we saw the sign as we were getting ready to leave. A few days later, I was working on my computer, trying to get school work done.. and there was a perfect little steggy right on my search bar :) Like Grey was just saying "hi Mama, I'm with you!"

Finding the balance between living and handling grief has been a challenge. I want to try and live my life, because I think that's what Greyson truly wants. I also know that I need to feel my feelings and I miss that boy more than my heart can handle. I'm trying and I think that's how it will be for awhile. I'm trying. I will always share stories of him, I will always share photos and videos, and I will always say his name. If you have any questions you want to ask us, please feel free to do so too. I'm a pretty open book and I've been much better about telling people when I just don't have enough strength at the time to share. But yeah, I cry and I will probably always cry because I will always miss my son. I will always love my son.

A few photos of my handsome boy :)

I better get back to studying- but I will do better to keep this updated.

xoxo,

Kim