One Year Later

And I'd choose you;

in a hundred lifetimes,

in a hundred worlds

in any version of reality,

I'd find you and

I'd choose you.

-- The Chaos of Stars

No matter what grief does to me and how empty it can make me feel, how lonely, isolating, paralyzing.. I would choose to be Greyson's Mom in every single situation. I am broken a lot of the days, especially as of late, but I would choose to be his Mom all over again if it meant I got to spend time with him.

I originally had planned on doing all of Greyson's favorite activities for his Angelversary but the weather did not want to cooperate with my plans. My idea was to go to the botanical gardens and walk through them, enjoy the breeze, see his name in the children's garden, and just enjoy being outside (because he loved being outside. He loved the breeze and sunshine in his face). I wanted to swim or use the hot tub (because he loved water). I wanted to spend time with Adam and family who is in town (because he loved his family) but the weather was rainy and kind of chilly. I worked out ok though too because I was really emotional and honestly just wanted to be alone. I wanted to have those emotions without being in public. Tuesday was actually worse for me (the day before his angelversary) and I had a really hard time keeping it together. I also have a microbiology exam yesterday so I used those days and wanting to be alone- to study. I had class Wednesday night - Nursing Fundamentals - and I emailed my teacher to let her know what was going on. She let me know what the plan was for class and if I couldn't make it, she understood. I debated with myself for awhile over if I should go or not. I thought, what would Grey want me to do?

He'd want me to get myself up and go. He'd want me to go to class because sitting at home isn't going to help me change the world for him. So, I got up, showered, and headed to class. Class was a quick lecture, exam review, and then we got to play in VR lab. Our college has a VR stimulation lab for nursing students and I was terrified to do it. For some reason, I thought we'd be trying to save a patient or something that might trigger tears but we just got to try it out and find safety concerns in a patients room. It was very cool and what a cool opportunity that our college has! I made it through the entire class and I'm very proud of myself for going. For listening to what Grey would have wanted me to do.

I had therapy yesterday and I purposely scheduled it for the day after because I knew I'd have some big emotions to unpack. I've been struggling with reliving Greyson's last day and we did EDMR to work through some of those feelings. The first round ended in some pretty big tears. I couldn't control them once they started and it was a LOT. As we did more rounds the memories became happier. One that came out of left field was when I shared a pickle with Greyson for the first time. He LOVED it! He would scoop out the insides (or the guts as we call it!) and I'd eat the skin for him. We have it on video so I had to dig it out after therapy to watch. He loved it so much!

He's so damn cute. EDMR is so crazy how you can be so deep in grief and in a memory you don't WANT to be in, and your brain pops up with something so random like the ONE time Greyson had a pickle and how cute he was. Adam hates pickles so it was funny that our son was on team pickles with me! Grey seemed to like savory over sweet- kind of like me. I'm not a HUGE sweets fan, sometimes of course, but I'm more savory too. Mama's boy :) After this memory, I went back into EDMR and my mind raced to when we got the diagnosis. I thought about that first initial anticipatory grief. Hearing the words "there is nothing we can do" and knowing we would never see our baby boy grow up. One of the first things that hit me was - I will never get a mother-son dance at his wedding. It broke my heart how quickly these dreams I had for Greyson, for Adam and I with Grey, were ripped away from us. Greyson loved listening to Luke Combs with me so we would dance in the living room to Luke. It wasn't at his wedding - and it wasn't how I ever imagined it would be - but I am thankful I have those memories. The good memories that can overpower the negative memories.

I'm trying to think of ways that will help me remember the positive memories more often. Sometimes looking at photos and videos help, but sometimes that just reminds me of everything we've lost. I want to start crafting again- but man, school seems to be taking up A LOT of my time lately and while as fun as crafting is, it's also a process that takes time. The next NTSAD conference is in April and I want to make things for the attending families and supporters so I might start working on that. It's hard to "trick" my brain into remembering how many more wonderful memories I have with Grey then the day he passed. That is just ONE day in his life, just ONE out of the other almost 3 years we had with him. Yes, some of those days weren't great with all the medical stuff we had going on, but I am truly lucky to have the memories I do with what time we were given.

I've also found comfort in acupuncture. Never in my life thought I'd say that- little needles all over you- but I can say I feel a difference in myself. Even if it's "placebo" and I'm fooling myself, it's an hour long appointment where I get to to sit down, talk with the sweetest acupuncturist, share Greyson, talk about IVF, and what's going on.. and just r-e-l-a-x. I fall asleep in every single session. Always. Without fail. Sometimes tears come before sleep, sometimes sleep takes a minute to find me, other times, the minute she leaves the room, I AM OUT. She always has comforting music playing, soft lighting, essential oils, and just leaves you to let the needles do their magic.

We also received some lovely items from our friends and family for Greyson's Angelversary. Gorgeous flower arrangements, and a sleep + serenity care package. Another loss Mom, Jennifer (on instagram @mystarnowshinesabove) who lost her daughter Emersynn, who had another rare disease called ARC syndrome, created the Emersynn Isla Shining Star Foundation, donated a memorial star in Greyson's honor. Greyson has a literal star in the sky named for him and if anyone ever wants to view it, we have the cooridnates and even a website with a code we can share.

Another NTSAD Mom also sent me this amazing care package and Adam's classmates (we call them his class wives) and one of our nursing instructors made a donation to NTSAD in honor of Greyson. One of his class wives, Dannah, who also lost a beautiful daughter, Ariel, made this sign for us. That is Greyson's fingerprint!

This journey sucks ass. I mean there is no sugar coating it. It is awful, it is life-altering, it's bullshit. I don't know, I don't really have the right adjectives other than it's bull-fing-shit. But one thing it has taught me, is everyone has a story. Everyone has something. I've meet so many people who have lost a baby or a child through this journey.. something I've never really expected. You feel so isolated knowing your child is on limited time.. but the amount of people out there who have lost a little one is alarming. It's also showed me the kindness people have. Greyson reached so many people and hopefully is still continuing to reach others through the blog, through nursing school, through sharing his story with anyone who will listen, advocating, and explaining the importance of expanded genetic testing.

Look at this cute little man :)

The walk through for our first house :) I remember thinking how "adult" we were, buying our 1st house, having a baby- that was in our bedroom.

LOOK AT THESE TOOTIES. The cutest:)

Adam went to his deer camp last weekend and snapped these two photos. They look magical. I just picture Grey giving Dada the sunshine and reminding him he's there:)

This was today- I was in the hot tub and looked over. I had so many visitors!

One more video for today :)

I guess, overall, I'm ok. I'm sad, I miss my son, but man, the amount of love we have surrounding us has been uplifting.

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being with us on this journey, thank you for STICKING with us on this journey - because our journey will never end. Our grief will never end. Our love for Greyson will never end.

xoxo,

Kim