One. Entire. Month.

To my baby boy,

It's been an entire month without you. I'm not sure how time has gone so quickly because it feels almost as fresh as it did the day you left this Earth.

One month without holding you. One month without reading you your favorite books, singing our songs, without giving you a bath, or taking you outside. One whole month of this painful heart ache. One month without you.

I have a feeling you are exploring up in Heaven. I hope you are running around, jumping, dancing, and using your legs that you were never able to do earth side. I hope you are playing in the mud, putting worms in your pockets, making a mess, and playing with your new friends. I know you are surrounded by so many loved ones like Grandma Laurie, Great Grandma and Grandpa Kent and Great Grandma and Grandpa Toman/O'Neill, Great Grandma and Grandpa Rudness, your (adoptive) Auntie Donna Jean, and everyone else. I know they will take the best care of you for me. I hope you found our old pups- Jack and Maxwell! Daddy's dog Rudley was a good boy too so you can play with him too. I know you are playing with your friends. I feel like Finnegan and Atticus will be by your side. The other NTSAD kids who have passed before you will help show you the ropes. Just make sure you come visit Daddy and I when you have time. We miss you so much.

We miss you so much it hurts. I know it's selfish for me to want you here with me because it was earth side that your body failed you. I'm sure you felt trapped some days. You weren't able to tell me but I just have a feeling. I hope you know how much we love you Grey Grey. We love you more than all the stars in the sky and all the fish in the sea. So many people love you. Even beyond your family! You have people who love you who never had the chance to meet you buddy. I know I told you all the time, but we are going to change the world. You're going to change the world. I will never stop sharing your story and telling everyone about you, my incredible son.

I'm so thankful I got to be your Mommy. You are the best thing I have ever done in life. You are my favorite person mister man. I'm struggling right now because of how much I miss you and I don't know if I've gone a day without crying. I know that the grief I feel will always be there, I will just need to build space for it. Some one shared this with me and it helped.

I feel Iike part of me died a month ago too, and I won't ever be the same. You made me a better Mom, you taught me so much, you taught me how to advocate, how to fight when I need to, how to love someone so deeply, and how to be more selfless. I hope you know how amazing you ARE Greyson Kent. You have been my superhero since before you were even born.

My greif will never go away, because I will never stop loving you. I'll learn how to live with it better than I have been... eventually. But I'm not there yet. It's still painful to wake up without you. I really miss you. I miss my snuggle time with you and your amazing noises. I miss your sweet eyes looking at me, and how you would melt into me when I picked you up. I miss your "wonky" toes, and your long fingers. I miss your amazing eyelashes and chunky cheeks. I miss our time in the pool or in the tubby. You definitely took after me when it came to water! You were my water baby. From the get-go! I miss how you and Daddy would "talk" back and forth. I just miss everything about you.

I know you are free now and it's the only thing keeping me from falling a part entirely. I know you're safe and watching over Daddy and I. I just want you to know how LOVED you are. How much you are missed. And how you have motivated me to change the world. Everyone who knows me or that I have yet to meet, will know you and your story Grey.

I hope you enjoyed the adventures we took you on. Sometimes I wish we did more. I know that we did what we thought was best for you and tried to keep you safe. COVID was scary for Mommy, I was worried that you or Daddy would get sick. The last bit of your life was stuck at home but I hope you still enjoyed the life you did have. It was full of love. Sometimes I regret not doing more with you but I'm thankful we kept you healthy for as long as we did. Denver took a lot out of you and I don't think you fully recovered from that trip. It was an amazing experience though and you had the chance to meet some amazing people in person! You even got to snuggle some of them! I know they loved you too. All the ladies loved you - just like your hospice nurses, your girlfriends. I'm so thankful for your entire medical team. You had an amazing team. We met some amazing people in our journey, and I think you captivated all of them.

I miss you. I'm so thankful for you. You have changed me Greyson Kent. I'm a better person because of you. I promise to continue to find a way to support other families, to search for a way to make sure your legacy out lives us all, and to always keep loving you. You have a part of my heart and soul in heaven with you. That part is yours to keep. You made me a Mother and you made me realize how deeply I could love another person. You showed me how much I love your Daddy too! I loved watching my Husband become a Father. He is an amazing Daddy. He misses you too. You gave us our favorite titles- Mama and Dada.

Keep sending us signs and come see your lights at night time. We still turn them on for you every single night. They are comforting and I hope you can see them. We still have our bedroom windows open too, so you can come and go as you please. Our home will always have room for you babe. Always. You will always be my baby. My son.

I love you. I miss you. I know that with time I'll be able to see reminders of you and the tears won't flood my eyes, but I'm not there yet. I promise your name will always be spoken and your life never forgotten. We are having your celebration next month and I have a feeling so many people will be there to show how many lives you impacted. You are a superhero to so many. We will find a cure honey, we have to. Until then I will keep pushing for expanded genetic testing so no other families and children have to go through this.

Fly high my boy. Enjoy your freedom now and keep an eye on us, ok? I love you more than all the stars in the sky and fish in the sea.

You are my sunshine

My favorite sunshine

You make me happy all the time

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

You will always be my son.

Love,

Mommy