New Year, new-ish me

Happy New Year! I really hope that 2023 is kinder to us then 2022 was. But so far I think this year will be a lot of changes for myself and my family. On January 2nd I returned back to work after being off since Greyson passed. My heart does not feel ready, but I feel like I need to get back into a routine again. It doesn't feel right, but I don't know if it ever truly will. My manager and co-workers have been amazing through this whole process and I wouldn't have been able to come back yet if it wasn't for how amazing they are. I know they truly have my back and will give me grace when I need it. Bare with me on this post. It's jumbled and out of order, but I want to try and catch up to where we are now.

This year I have a lot of plans for myself and my future. This year is the year of Kim. I'm taking more time to focus on myself. Take care of my mental and physical health. Take better care of my skin, get more rest, work out, drink more water, and eat healthier. I want to date my husband. I want to get back to dating him and spending quality time together. I want to read more books. I want to spend more time outdoors and explore. I want to spend some time volunteering where I can. I'm thinking with Unity Hospice - the hospice that was Greyson's team. I would love to help snuggle NICU babies. Help kids who might need more. I want to rock my nursing classes and focus on finding ways to make Greyson's legacy. I still plan on finding a way to create a foundation or nonprofit but I need to find what I'd like to focus on.

It has been a while since I've posted on here. It's been difficult. My grief has been all consuming some days. I have been trying to find a balance of allowing myself to have my feelings, being sad or taking time to just be alone and quiet. I have to work, there is no way I could not work. My company has been so wonderful with this journey and they provide such wonderful benefits. I am continuing at part time hours while I attend school which has been a good transition for me. I haven't felt overwhelmed yet but my classes are starting this week. Adam and I are at the same college and they split their semester into two 8 weeks. So my first 8 weeks I'm taking a CNA course and Developmental Psychology and the second 8 weeks I'm taking Biochemistry. I won't lie, I'm incredibly nervous. I'm really scared about getting BACK into college after so many years since my first degree.. it's been a really long time since I had to read to retain information like this. I know I can do it, but things get overwhelming pretty easily still. I know that is the depression and anxiety but it's hard to work through them sometimes. Sometimes it's easier to ignore it for another day. Which then gets overwhelming because I have more and more to do and less time to do it in. I worked Tuesday and brought my book for Developmental Psychology with me to get a head start and I had a panic attack at work. Thankfully it was towards the end of the day, but it felt like it came out of nowhere. It was all of a sudden my lungs felt rigid and I couldn't get enough air in them.

I am going to try and get better about posting in the blog too. It's hard to look back sometimes.. and now without my sweet boy with me it just feels more lonely. The days kind of drag on and seem a little more mundane.

We have been using Greyson's hot tub to try and relax. The other day I went out during the daylight and read my book out in the tub. It was relaxing until my hands and arms got SO chilly from holding them out of the warm water I had to put the book down and just soak.

A lot of little things have happened since my last post. This past week, we took a quick trip back home to Michigan to visit Adam's Grandparents and spend some time with them. This was our view coming home. It was beautiful up there.

New Years Day we headed to Lambeau to watch the Packers take on the Vikings with Grandpa Steve and Grandma Jill! It was so fun and it was really nice weather!

We had this little pumpkin as our house guest for Christmas. This is Nalle (Nah-lay) and she's my niece's dog. Nalle means Teddy in Finnish- like teddy bear. She was so sweet and snuggly with us!

Christmas time was hard without our boy. We did light candles for him and still filled his stocking.

Lots of Singo :) It is like bingo but with songs. Auntie Courtney came with us and it was a fun reason to get out of the house. This adorable card from Felix - a sweet boy in our support group- and his Mama made this for Grey. I framed it and I'm hanging it in my office. Then this sweet woman on Facebook (I Am A Mother To An Angel) made luminaries for children that passed and I saw Greyson's name on their TikTok live :)

Denise, Ella, Adam, Courtney, and I took our second annual botanical gardens tour. The same gentleman who was Santa last year was the same Santa this year. He remembered Grey and we shared his superhero cards with him and the photographers.

With me returing to school, I needed a space for a desk that wasn't next to Adam's. He made a good point that we both study differently and would distract each other if we had our offices in the same space. We decided to turn our guest room into my office/my craft room/our guest room :) First up was a fresh coat of paint. The original walls were this light blue color and we changed it to rainwashed by dutch boy. It's a bluey green color.

I'm in the process of decorating it now but these items I needed up. I have the framed card from Felix, the friendship key from Levi (in Texas, another little boy with Tay-Sachs), a light up steggy, stickers from our adventures, Greyson's ornaments from this year, and my nurses badges. I turned the closet into my craft storage and it fits so nice in there!

This is all out of order- but Adam, Courtney, and I went to watch the Packers Vs. Rams and we were in ROW 3. It was so amazing to be that close! We even saw Nick Baumgartner there- who is an Olympic Snowboard from Iron River, MI. A fellow Yooper!

More randoms. The first photo is a cap to Greyson's feeding tube bag. I found it under the refrigerator before Christmas. I never thought seeing that piece of plastic would make me cry, but I stood there crying, debating if I should keep that. I decided not to, but it oddly broke my heart throwing it away. I spent sometime making Christmas door mats this year too.

I've really been missing him and his snuggles. Today was my first therapy appointment doing EDMR. (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). It takes a traumatic event and helps to retrain your brain and you try and focus on positive memories/safe spaces.

I won't lie, it was absolutely exhausting. We began on the traumatic event after Greyson passed away. I don't want to necessarily get into the details but it's something that I struggle with getting out of my head. We started there and then all these emotions and images started flooding my brain. I was bawling. I could remember things that I hadn't thought about since that day, and remember smells, feelings.. it was so bizarre. We had to cut it short because I couldn't stop crying. I was struggling to catch my breath I was crying so hard. It was honestly just draining. We did 3 short rounds, and by the 3rd round I was crying but I started having memories of Greyson's toes on my thigh the day he died. A happier memory. We knew he was passing that day, and I wanted to read his favorite books to him before he left us. I staked them next to me and we went one by one. Reading his books, snuggling, and I remember between tears, looking down and seeing his little toes pressed on my thigh, thinking to myself- you need to remember how sweet these little toes are. Your body helped grow these toes. His toes are perfect. They look a lot like Adam's and they are the sweetest. That memory came out from somewhere deep and it warmed my heart. When I was reading to Greyson that day, he was holding on to my tank top, something he did often. My therapist said "it sounds like you were his safe place" and I realized, he was mine too. He still is. His things bring me comfort. His smell brings me comfort. I use his lotion often so that I can smell it and remember how wonderful he smelt after his baths. I use his blankets to snuggle when I watch TV. I sleep with his blanket he slept with every night. I snuggle his dino toy. If I'm having a hard day, I sit in his room with his lights on and just... be. He is my safe place. He will always be my safe place. Being his Mommy is the best thing in this world. Despite how brokenhearted I am now, if I had the choice to do it all over again.. or to never have Greyson, I would do it again in a heartbeat. He changed my life. He changed how I view the world. He changed my heart.. and now it's my turn to change the world for him.

I will continue to post and continue to share Greyson's story. It's been hard to find the right words. Therapy is helping but it's exhausting. Crying is exhausting. But "grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." We grieve Greyson so hard because we love him so much.

xoxo,

Kim