New *very unwanted* normal

It's been a really difficult transition for me without Greyson.

Our days used to be so structured. We had specific times for his feeding, his meds, his respiratory treatments. Our day was laid out in a way that worked best for all of us. It was tedious sometimes and overwhelming, yes, but now that structure is gone and I feel so lost.

There are moments where I feel ok. I am thankful for every minute with Grey that we had, but then I think about it further and it's like why are we here. Why did I need to watch my baby boy die? How is this ok? I know life isn't fair, I get that, but this is beyond that. I feels like I'm in a fog. Just kind of going through the motions of life right now. I'm trying to be kind to myself and give myself grace but even that feels like a challenge. I have been trying to clean our house pretty much since the week after Grey passed. I get one room done and I'm just exhausted. It needs to be done but it just feels overwhelming. My girlfriends from middle school just came to visit me and have a girls weekend so I knew it needed to be done. I worked one room at a time and had to take so many breaks to just cry. Everything feels overwhelming.

We have been trying to do things and get out of the house. But this past weekend I had some visitors. So, these girls have been in my life since middle school or before. We have been through so much together over the years. Babies, weddings, graduations, moving, so many sleepovers, laughs, and now supporting me while I grieve my son. They dropped everything to have a weekend with me at my house and we spent the day together like no time has passed since the last time we got together. These are my ride or dies, my partners in crime.

I'm so thankful for these girls and their friendship over the years. We always have such a fun time together and catch up, but always fall back into our old friendship we had when we all lived in the same town and saw each other daily. If you girls read this - I love you all so very much. I'm so incredibly thankful for all of you and really appreciate you being here for me.

They took my mind off some of the grief. I definitely shed some tears but even briefly it was nice to just feel a smidge of normalcy. It was really difficult leaving the house knowing it was empty. No one had to stay back to watch Greyson. No one needed to learn how to suction or do his tube feedings so that I could leave. The odd things you think of.. the odd things you miss..

When they left, my house is back to being empty. Adam was at deer camp and on his way home, but the house was just me. It's quiet and lonely. Adam's sister bought a house in Green Bay so she was up moving things in and unpacking. Once Adam got home we watched the Packer game at our house and then went to watch Hocus Pocus 2 at hers. It was a nice afternoon but I just miss my buddy.

Adam and I also had the opportunity to go see Luke Combs last minute so we decided to go! It felt so odd to be able to just do something that last minute. To just be able to pick up and go, was a very odd feeling. His ticket sold out the minute they were available to the public so I gave up on going a while ago. That morning I decided just to see if there was anything out there and I found two tickets that were pretty decent seats so we decided to go. Our seats were great and we had a really nice time together. The only bad part was a few of the songs made us cry pretty hard. I think that's normal but given our major loss the tears were more than what we were expecting.

It was a great concert and even though we had a hard time being there at some points, it was nice to be with Adam and get out. I love Luke Combs so it was fun screaming out his songs.

I've been feeling a little lethargic to be honest. I find comfort in Greyson's room- so the other day I said you know what.. I'm going to go relax and read my book in my baby boy's room. It was nice to be snuggled up in our blanket again. His room is just cozy and reminds me of him.

We also got Greyson's urn back. They had a lot of options available for us at the funeral home that we chose for Grey, But they were meant for older individuals, not children. I suppose finding an urn for a child is not something many parents have to do and it's something that no parent should have to do. We found this hand-painted one on Etsy and decided to order it. I don't think we could have found anything more perfect for our little dino man. We never really knew if Greyson liked dinosaurs or not, it was more of a choice that we made for him. But, I think if he could have told us I think he would have liked dinosaurs.

Adam and I also did something last week. We went and got Greyson's fingerprints tattooed on us. I also got this little heart symbol on my ankle. Adam's mother passed away unexpectedly in 2016 and she would sign her name and then this symbol next to it. So now I have a piece of her with me too.

We also had some visitors over. This is my sister and nieces dog Nalle. She had to come over and check out the new hot tub. We also got some Halloween dinosaur pajamas at Target to honor our boy.

We also decided to build a retaining wall surrounding the hot tub so we can plant a garden that will surround his tub. Greyson's Oasis!

Here are some cute videos of Grey :)

This photo was one year ago. He looked like such a little boy in this one.

Overall, I think we are doing the best we can. I'm definitely trying. I'm trying to complete one task at a time and just focus on what is right in front of me so that I don't feel AS overwhelmed. I miss my son. I miss his noises, his smell, his snuggles.

xoxo,

Kim