It's like my regular grief but fancy Christmas grief.

-warning; foul language-

I am sitting here, 1:25am, crying on Christmas Eve.

This is not how I envisioned my life. Christmas is my time of year. It's my absolute favorite. I love the lights, the music, the movies, the traditions... but this is my second year without my baby boy. This year is hard. I feel like I'm getting further and further away from Greyson and it's starting to scare me. Time is going by so fast and as the days tick by, the further I am from the last day with my son. The last time I held him. The last time I sang to him. The last time I read his favorite books with him.

While we were decorating, I found a bin that we had left up in the garage that looked like it had Christmas decorations in it. I had Adam pull it down for me and when I opened it, my heart shattered. It was all of Greyson's Christmas books. We had so many books for him - and after his diagnosis, we couldn't really spoil him with toys like I would have, so I bought him clothes and books. I would give anything to have my boy here so I could read stories to him, especially the special Christmas books. Instead, I'm up in our guest room, crafting/watching movies, crying, missing my kid. Adam's asleep - he's been working early mornings with his new job so he goes to bed pretty early. I'm struggling with sleep lately. Grief insomnia has been kicking my ass. I'm tired, but I can't fall asleep. If I do fall asleep, I've been having nightmares lately or just not able to stay asleep. Tonight is no different. I was getting some last minute things together for Christmas tonight when I took a break and was just scrolling through old videos and photos on my phone and the tears just started flowing. I hate that this is our story. I miss Greyson so much.

I might be a broken record here.. but we were absolutely robbed of our parental experience. My motherhood experience shouldn't have been this way. I didn't get to give my son the childhood I wanted. Yes, his life was filled with love, but I never got to take him to the park. I wasn't able to play in the front yard with him. I never got to video his first steps. Life cheated us. Life fucking cheated him. I hate that this is my life. I hate that grief is running my entire life now. It's changed me. I should have a FOUR YEAR OLD calling the shots in my house. I should be getting ready for Santa to come tomorrow (well, I guess today now). I shouldn't be sitting at my desk, at 1:40am, crying, angrily typing out my feelings on a blog. I debate saying this because I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea - but I hate that this is my life. I hate my life story. I don't want this to be Greyson's story. I want my son. I want the typical family who gets to tuck their kids into bed tonight and read them The Night Before Christmas. I want them to wake me up at a ridiculous time to see if Santa came yet. I feel so empty. I feel so fucking cheated.

When Adam and I were looking at houses in early 2020, before Greyson was showing any signs of regression, we both mentioned how we'd love a two story house. We both grew up where on Christmas morning, we had to wait at the top of the stairs while our parents went down to check if Santa came and to start the coffee. I remember waiting at the top of the stairs and almost unable to control my excitement. When my Grandparents were alive we would have to call them and wait to open any presents until my Uncle Steve, cousin Jason, and they could get over to our house. We'd typically have muffins from a local shop and then head over to my Kent Grandparents to open gifts there. I remember the squishy carpet at their house and how Grandma always had the Nonpareil candies out and her regular candy dish. Grandpa Kent would always find a way to spoil us a little extra. We'd go to Grandma Toman's house after and she'd sit on the floor and show off what she got for Christmas and tell us who gave her what. Her house was ungodly hot... so we would have to dress in layers because it's freezing outside but 95degrees inside.

I wish Greyson had a chance to make memories like I did.

I wish I could have made memories like that with Grey. Holiday's are hard, but man, I wasn't expecting to feel this awful. I am trying to keep up and be merry, this time of year goes so fast, but I just can't keep it together. I keep seeing videos of friends and their families at school concerts, or kids sharing their wish lists, kids doing crafts and making cookies.. but I'm alone. My son is in a fucking urn. How is this my life? How is this real fucking life. It shouldn't be this way. I want to see Greyson signing with his classmates and getting excited for Christmas morning. I want to hear what he wants from Santa. I want the memories- I want my son, I want the life I should have HAD with my husband and my son. Why didn't we get to do any of this with him?

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I finally fell asleep in Greyson's room at 3am. It's 9:05am, I'm debating about sleeping more or getting up to get some things finished. I hate feeling like this.. and I don't want to feel this way, especially around Christmas. I know that holidays also stir up my grief. Holidays are special to me and it's hard to celebrate without Grey. I know he's "always with me" and everything but it's not the same as having him here, physically with me. I want to see him grow and learn, I want to see him walk, run, and play.. I want to hear new phrases he's learned. It's just not fair.

I don't cry every day anymore, but I cried really hard last night. I had to step away from writing because it just kept flowing out of me and making it hard to control the tears. I ended up snuggling Millie in Grey's room and debated about sleeping in the recliner we have in his room, but Millie was in my lap and seemed to be a little toasty under the blanket but my feet were cold, so she jumped down at 3:15am and we headed into our bedroom. She snuggled my leg, but was ready for sleep. I didn't dream much last night and I woke up thinking, Greyson hasn't visited me in a dream since he passed.. I haven't "seen" him, at least in a dream that I woke up remembering. I really wish you could control your dreams to some degree, I would like to see him. I want to hear from him. I want to know he's ok - and to tell me what to do. I worked a little bit on raising some money for the start of The Greyson Kent Foundation and I volunteered with Toys for Tots, trying to find a way to connect with him. I need direction. What would Grey want me to do with his foundation. What focus would he want?

Last semester was a lot of focus on classes. This upcoming semester I have one in person class for 16 weeks, an online class for the first 8 weeks, and then my first clinical is the second 8 weeks. I will have more time for myself this upcoming semester and I think I'm going to start crafting more (maybe even do a craft show?), focus on my health and fitness, focus on our IVF, and get going on Greyson's foundation. I want to start narrowing down my ideas and focus on what Greyson would want. What would Greyson do - my new mantra.

I know that it's ok to not be ok, and it's ok to have moments like this. I know my grief is so strong because my love for Greyson is so strong. I know all this, but it just hurts and it's exhausting. My entire life was flipped upside down and then trampled over by a few hundred semis, then tossed in a damn wood chipper.

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Ok- it's later in the day and I'm feeling better. It's time for a happier update...

Millie has been loving our tree too. She's been hiding her toys under the tree skirt and laying underneath when the lights are on :)

Last weekend we had some friends come to visit us to go to the Packer game. Adam and I decided to look for tickets and found pretty cheap tickets in ROW 4. It was awesome- even if the Packers lost and it rained. The weather has been so weird this year, we don't even have any snow. It's been so warm. It's ok, but I do miss the snow on Christmas!

I wore my Grandma Kent's Santa earrings at work on Thursday. It was my last shift for the year - I'm on vacation for the rest of the year and had to rock these before I was done. She used to wear them all the time and I love them. I took a lot of her holiday jewelry (I'm wearing her Christmas tree ones today!) I love having a part of her with me and a part of a fun memory of her.

This is an OLD photo of Grandma when we gave her nickels for the casino on Christmas! If you look closely, you can see the same earrings :)

I've been spending a lot of time in Greyson's room at night. This was before I wrapped all the presents, Greyson's bed was a holding zone for me.

Our annual visit to the botanical gardens with Greyson's photo. We met Mrs. Claus this year!

Our annual Santa photo

This was the Tiny Earth Project we worked on in Microbiology at Lambeau and my Cheering for Cayden shirt :) another little boy in our support group.

Dinosaur sugar cookie decorations for Greyson's tree:)

I've been working on Canva lately and made these two logos for our site and working on his foundation logo!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours. Thank you for reading and being here for our story. As difficult as it is, sharing makes it easier for me. If you are feeling grief this season, please know you are not alone. Please know that you're feelings are valid and even if you aren't feeling 100%, it's ok.

xoxo,

Kim