I'm done with the tricks, ready for a treat.
- kim.rudness
- Nov 14, 2023
- 5 min read
November 1st, 2023
Life is a lot quieter without Greyson. Life is a lot less exciting without him. I look for little "wins" and little "smiles" where I can. I look for signs of him and things that remind me of him wherever I go. I'm currently sitting at school waiting for my class to start. I had my nursing skills check off this afternoon, so I got to school early to practice, did my check off, studied for microbiology for a little over an hour, and now taking a breather before nursing fundamentals starts.
Yesterday was Halloween- admittedly not my favorite holiday, but still another holiday without my baby boy. I had a hard time being on social media yesterday and seeing all the adorable costumes. It brought up the jealousy that why can't that be us? Why can't I be getting Grey ready for trick-or-treating? I wonder what he would have been. Would he be in to Bluey? Would he be into dinosaurs? Superheroes? Marvel? Construction worker, fireman, policeman? It's not fair. I never got the opportunity to let him pick his costume. He had two Halloween's on this earth. The first was in 2020, so COVID was a major fear for us. We didn't have his diagnosis yet but we decided he was too young to really remember and we thought we had plenty of time to make up to him. The following year, we had his diagnosis and he had regressed quite a bit, so we dressed him up and took him to a friends house to pass out candy with them. That's it. That's all he had for Halloween memories. I feel cheated. Tay-Sachs robbed us of memories and time with our son. It's not fair ... and I know life isn't fair, but this is beyond that. This isn't how life is supposed to go. My days should be filled with Greyson and teaching him things, watching him learn and grow. Instead my days are a lot more lonely. I'm busy yes, but there really isn't much time that goes by where I'm not thinking about him or missing him.
November 6th, 2023
We decided to celebrate Greyson's birthday the weekend before his actual birthday because Adam and I both have class on his actual birthday. Adam, Courtney, and I bought tickets to the Packers Vs. Rams game and had row 3 in the end zone. It was AWESOME.
I was looking on the Snapchat maps of the game.. and you can see the back of my sign in this one!!
After the game, we headed home and met my sister, her husband, and their daughter for pizza and birthday cake for Greyson.
I went with a Bluey cake because we would watch Bluey and honestly, I love the show! It's so cute. I even watched our (well, my) favorite episode on Tuesday, his actual birthday.
Millie knows I've been sad lately, and really struggling with my anxiety. She's been my pocket puppy, always near by to make sure I'm ok. She's been such a huge help through this journey. I don't want to be dramatic.. but this girl saved me. She saved me from myself. She gets me up and out of bed. She drives me crazy sometimes, but so thankful for her. She gets me outside for walks and gives me a reason to get going in the morning.
Happy 4th birthday my handsome boy
November 12, 2023-->
Overall, I think I'm doing ok. I head back to work tomorrow and I will be super honest and transparent.. I'm not ready. I going to do the best I can, but the holidays make everything so much more amplified. I can only do my best. Thankfully my coworkers know but I'm still just exhausted. It's so much more than lack of sleep.. it's in my bones. My soul is tired but I also don't know when that feeling will be better. I'm not sleeping again and it's very frustrating. I am trying to get back on a normal schedule but it's so hard when I don't fall asleep until after midnight and up early. I'm tired but I just can't sleep. Grief is so fun that way.
We finally published our first fundraiser for Greyson's foundation too. We created a Bonfire campaign to sell shirts, coffee mugs, and hats with Greyson's blog and info to spread awareness.
November 14th, 2023
Another blog spanning a few weeks :) I need to get better about posting them. It's hard for me to just sit down and finish everything I'm thinking. Sometimes it's easy and flows out but other times I feel really repeatitive and that gets overwhelming. I'm currently studying for my microbiology exam and I need to practice my nursing skill for check off this week. It's been a little chaotic. I find it hard to just sit and relax because I know I have things I need to do and things I need to get done. I try and sit to do them but I get distracted and my mind is constantly wandering.
We are still proceeding with IVF - right now we are waiting on our probe to be built so they can test our embroys for our specific Tay-Sachs mutations. They needed a sample from Adam, myself, and they were hoping for one from Grey. I wasn't sure how they'd obtain that, but they contacted the lab that did Greyson's initial diagnosis and they still had a blood sample from him so they were able to use that. I'm not sure why, but that broke my heart too. A part of my boy is is out there in a lab, even though he's no longer with us. I'm glad it was, because they could use it for his sibilings, but it still hurt. Hard to explain, but just knowing a part of him was out there, not with me, was a very odd feeling. For my microbiology class, we read The Immortal Life of Henreitta Lacks- an African-American woman who died from cervical cancer in 1951. Scientist took her cancer cells, without her permission, and they became the first immortal cell line. Her cells are still growing and are used in labs all over the world, even though she died 72 years ago. Her cells have been "alive" longer than she was. It made me think of Grey's blood out there. It's a facinating book if you have the chance to read it. Her cells shaped our current medicine and she's the reason we have the polio vaccine and so many other things. She saved so many lives through her cells.
I could rant on forever about it so, in order for me to just post this blog, I'm going to just post it! I can always write more when things come up :)
If you are interested in supporting Greyson's foundation
You can also donate on Venmo to @kimrudness if you'd like. Right now, to start, my goal is to raise funds to create the foundation but also "adopt" a family for Christmas and provide a child (or children) with a wonderful Christmas from Greyson.
xoxo,
Kim
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