2 months since a post, 2 years since holding my baby

I hate this time of year. As soon as the calendar flips to August, I can feel my anxiety start to take hold of me. August used to be my favorite because it's my birthday month. Slowly it's become a birthday week, to just the day.. and since losing Grey, it's become really difficult to celebrate at all.

Life with grief is all about balance. Finding a median between living and grieving. I will always grieve because I will always love Grey but life doesn't stop just because I lost my son. I took this week off from work so I could focus on my mental health but I still have class. I have class on Monday and Thursday right now, Monday was labor day so I didn't have to worry, but I had class today. Today just happens to be the day before Greyson's 2 year angelversary. 2 years. It feels like it was just yesterday but also so long ago.

I miss our snuggles the most. I miss sitting in the recliner with him on me, resting his beautiful head on my shoulder. We would often read books, watch tv, sing, nap.. whatever we needed but we were together. Last night I shared a photo from Greyson's last day on my Instagram account and I broke down. I hate looking at those photos because it brings me back to that day. I haven't shared all the details of that day and I may never on the internet.. but one thing I will share, is that day is forever engraved in my brain. I remember small details that didn't even matter that day to the biggest heartbreak I've ever experienced. Losing Greyson has left a hole in my soul that can never be filled again. Grey took that piece of me when he left his physical world. I don't think I necessarily want to fill it again, because that part belongs with him.

I think the part that hurts me the most is I wish I knew what he was feeling that day. Was he scared? Did he know we were there with him? I feel like he knew we were, but death is also a scary thought to most people, but he was 2 years old. Did he know what was happening? Did he know he would be leaving us? Did our loved ones meet him and make sure he wasn't alone? Would knowing these answers help me hurt less? I'm honestly not even sure. I miss him so deeply. I miss giving him baths and finding new ways to try and keep his vision and senses aware of his surroundings. I put glow sticks in his water and turned off the bathroom lights so he could maybe see them. I don't know how much of his vision he had left, but I wanted to try. Part of me knows he knew I was trying and knew how much I wanted him to experience different things in his lifetime, but I should have had more time.

Well, it's now September 21st and I have put a huge pause on my blog. I honestly don't want to stop writing because it's very therapeutic for me. It helps me to process and also a place to keep everything in one spot.

Sometimes I just feel like I write the same thing over and over again. So sometimes I write a blog and then I don't post it because it's basically the same thing as my previous blog. Then I thought to myself well that's my life though and that's how things are going so I'm going to get better at posting things so that anyone who comes across this page knows they're not alone and how they're feeling. Grief sucks. Quite frankly grief is an asshole and anyone who has lost a loved one knows this, but if you have lost a child (no matter the gestation or age) a part of you dies with them.

I remember seeing those two pink lines on my first pregnancy test and I didn't feel fear or concern, I was just so ecstatic. I couldn't wait to be a mom and experience motherhood with Adam. My mother had experience was different than most but I will always and forever be a mother. I will always be Greyson's Mom, and despite how terrible our journey has been, I'm also really thankful for it because without this journey, we wouldn't have Greyson.

Things have been going pretty good lately. I am currently in three classes, two of which are outside of my nursing program but I needed to take extra credits in order to be considered part-time to use my scholarship funds. I decided to take phlebotomy so that I can earn my phlebotomy certificate which can only help my resume when I become an RN. So far I'm really enjoying the class. It's not as scary as I thought on my first day, and drawing blood is not nearly as bad as I anticipated. My nursing class is going well too. We're getting more into the causes and processes so I really enjoy digging deeper into things.

Adam is officially a licensed RN. He passed his NCLEX exam and is officially an RN. I'm so proud of him and everything he accomplished and is continuing to accomplish!

Millie girl is spoiled as ever. Nothing new there.

It's been a pretty busy summer though. We celebrated Grandma Jill's retirement. Grandma Jill owned her own salon for many years and officially retired this summer. We spent some time up in Michigan with Adam's family. His beautiful Grandma Nancy fell in early July and passed away at the end of the month. She was the sweetest woman, and she was also an RN. Her funeral was beautiful and even had a n RN honor guard ceremony. I've never heard of it before but it was absolutely touching. Retired nurses come, dressed in the old uniform of white dresses, white stockings, and the white hat. They read the poem "She Was There" and placed white roses near the urn. It was so beautiful. Adam stood up and read her obituary, which was a wonderful tribute to her beautiful life.

This was Grammie after he fall. She was able to celebrate her 64th wedding anniversary with Grandpa too. She was so spunky and such a wonderful lady.

More from summer fun

To celebrate Adam passing his NCLEX and officially becoming a nurse, he upgraded his whip! I meant Adam in 2010 when we began dating. Ever since then he's always talked about wanting a truck. When we bought our house in 2020, I have heard this man say "we need a truck" no less than 1 billion times. Well he officially bought a truck. He bought a Toyota Tacoma, and it is a really nice truck! And he looks mighty handsome in it, if I do say so myself!

These are taken on my birthday with our friends and they're adorable son. There are some loves Adam!! He was also taking selfies with his Mama ❤️

We also took my parents boat out one more time and got stopped by the police for making wake in a no-wake zone 🤣 The funny thing was we were going so slow and we didn't even see the sign that it was a no-wake zone. Thankfully my brother-in-law was driving and he got away with a warning. But how funny to be pulled over on the water going less than 10mph.

Another NTSAD mom introduce me to this wonderful organization called Born Abel. They make inclusive books and they included Greyson!! Greyson is at the table on the left side in the packer jersey!

They were also kind enough to share this on their social media on Greyson's Angelversary.

A double rainbow for my baby!

We also decided to splurge and go to the Green Bay Packers home opener this past weekend. I have never been to a game where I wasn't wearing winter gear with a ton of layers. It was 80 plus degrees outside and we were sweating!! It was so weird!

We had a blast at the game though.

Couldn't forget to post some photos of the spoiled baby girl either..

Overall, it's been a good and busy summer. It's still really hot in Green Bay, so our fall hasn't started here yet. I'm ready for the weather to cool down but trying to enjoy the last of the heat.

If there is a topic you want to hear about, or if I can share anything else you want to know, please don't hesitate to reach out. greysons.brave.story@gmail.com

Xoxo,

Kim